As previously mentioned, a lot has been going on around here lately and I feel like we're living in a constant whirlwind. The move has kind of thrown off our schedules and it's getting increasingly more difficult to plan appointments and who has the car on what day. The move was fairly smooth but there is so much work to do on our new home so in between diaper changes, feeding, playing, and taking care of Landon, I've been trying to put the house together. My stress levels have been pretty high and amidst all this we've been dealing with some pretty awful news..
We found out last week that I am miscarrying. I am still completely heartbroken and I am continuing to grieve and cope with this completely unexpected news. My hormone levels are still that of 2 months pregnant which probably doesn't help. We found out we were pregnant the beginning of August and were pumped. Really, really, over-the-moon, thrilled. We told a handful of people just because we couldn't keep it in, and I naively assumed that everything was going to be perfectly fine. We found out we were going to have a little Aries baby with a due date of April 15. Little Landon and new baby boy or girl bauman would have been just over 2 1/2 years apart. I was thrilled to have finally planned this out and be 100% ready for #2 and to grow our little threesome into a family of four. The lesson I keep learning over and over again? You can't plan. That's it, we just can't plan these things, and there's another greater plan out there that totally trumps mine. When will this finally sink in?
I'm still waiting for the baby to hopefully pass through naturally...and if not by another week at my 10 week mark we will have to have a D&C....and really hoping we don't have to go that route. Although I can see why a lot of women just go ahead with the D&C....the emotional state right now of knowing your dead baby with a failed heartbeat is still inside of you is extremely difficult to live with, each moment of every day. I have constant bursts of uncontrollable sadness and tears. I have awful nightmares about the miscarriage and crazy vivid, first trimester pregnancy dreams that haunt me every night. But still for me, having any procedure is a last resort.
It still totally sucks right now but I know there is a reason for everything and I am trying to finally relinguish control over planning out our family and children's ages perfectly. I am putting my faith and trust in God that He has the most perfect, best laid plans ahead for our family. I am learning not to be so naive about health complications and how 'easy' pregnancy is. I am thankful that I have already been blessed with a beautiful, healthy little boy. I am thankful for an amazing, supportive husband who makes this 10 times easier to go through with. And I am hopeful that as soon as my body gets back to normal and the required amount of time has passed...that there will be a new light at the end of this dark tunnel.