Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year :)

Happy New Year :) (circa 2012) More pics from last nye here. We're staying in this year and could not be more happy about it. (I will forever remember 2012 as the year I got old). Definitely happy to leave 2012 behind and excited to start a new year. Hoping 2013 will bring continued good health, more babies, greater financial opportunities & success, and hoping that it's the year we become true homeowners. Here's to 2013.

identity crisis

Having a bit of an identity crisis. Early December I felt like my blog needed a change and I very brashly decided to change Mumma's Corner to Heart + Home. Of course I went all out and changed the URL as well, and spent a day changing all my linkbacks in my own blog. After several weeks it hit me:  I missed my Mumma's Corner terribly and Heart + Home really wasn't me, at all. It was too impersonal and sounded more like the name of a home goods store or magazine and didn't accurately reflect the content of my blog. I tried to get Mumma's Corner back. Surely it would still be there after only a couple of weeks right? But on Christmas Day I found out some hacker named Reginald was spamming my old site! I was pissed. After several days of being pissed and not forgiving myself for giving my precious URL site to the world at large, I went into investigative mode and found out that according to Blogger, Reginald was in fact a spammer, and that my friends is against Blogger's terms of use. Score! I reported his phony ass multiple times that day and hoped for the best. I was pleased to find out that Blogger took his site down immediately (within 24 hours of reporting). BUT it now states that that URL has been removed and it is NOT available to new blogs. Wth? Now I still can't get my old site back.

Blogger savvy friends: Will it ever become available to register again? Can I ever regain control over it since it used to be mine? Help!

In the meantime, I couldn't live with myself any longer and caved and bought For $10 a year I decided it was better than losing my identify to the blogosphere again forever. Unfortunately I found out the hard way that it is in fact a very messy blogosphere out there. So as long as is unavailable, is where you will find me from here on out. 

I promise I won't do this again. & thank you to all my faithful followers! 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

2 years

Wow, I can't believe a whole 2 years ago today I got married.
The first time I saw Chris I just remember thinking to myself how incredibly good looking I thought this guy was. But over the course of just a few short months, did I discover that he had the most beautiful heart of gold as well, & he's still never let me down once. I would have never imagined that marriage could be this awesome. I couldn't have asked for a more thoughtful & considerate partner to go through life with, and I could have never have imagined a more caring, loving father to my children. Every day is truly a blessing having you by my side. I can't wait to make more little rugrats with you and grow old and feeble together. Happy Anniversary babe <3

& in case you're wondering, we're celebrating tonight by going out to sushi & a nice lil theatrical viewing of the Hobbit >> Pretty pumped. Tomorrow I scheduled a couples massages & manis/pedis (a sort of selfish gift) and Thursday morning we are headed to the east coast for a week for the holidays :) Very, very excited to see my family & friends and will be sure to post lots of pics of our big adventure upon our return.

I know this year will not be a normal holiday for many. I'm still holding my vigil every night and praying for the victims of Newtown and their families, that they may find comfort and support in the community and prayers of others, and especially on Christmas. & if nothing else, I hope that everyone else continues to count their blessings, continues to hug their kids extra tight, & continues to be inspired to commit random acts of kindness to others. May we all still look for the beauty and peace of the season and have a cherished Christmas with our loved ones. xx

Sunday, December 16, 2012

A heavy heart.

My heart is broken. I am still overwhelmed with so much sadness and grief, deep down through and through. I can't shake the thought of and images from my mind of the horrific tradegy that occurred two days ago in Newtown, CT. Friday started off like any other day for me, I dropped Landon off at the childcare center and went to the gym to workout. When I was done I was headed back to the locker room and passed by a tv with images of Sandy Hook elementary school, parents, staff, emergency response personnel, and the headlines. The most horrific, dreadful headlines I have ever seen in my life. A knife pierced through my heart and my whole world stopped as I stared at the screen. People passed by, busily continuing about their day and I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by the headlines and the images of so many grief-stricken parents, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I went to pick Landon up in tears and fell to my knees in front of him and hugged him. I hugged him hard and tight and kissed his little face and eyes and head and and lips, and then I hugged him some more. For the rest of the day through the second as I am writing this I have been sick to my stomach and crushed with a deep devastation for these families. For the parents of all these small children, for the heroic teachers who risked their lives to save their little angels, for the small children who had to see the bloodshed and dead bodies of their peers and hear the gun shots and screams with their own eyes and ears. For the first responders who had the difficult task of answering to the dozens of families and parents waiting for them in agony to know if their child was alive and okay. For the twenty parents that stood there and were told that their child was among the dead.

My heart is still broken. It's been hard for me to stop my mind from thinking about it and I've been tearing up constantly. It's been hard for me to continue about my normal life, to go about the many errands of the holidays season, and to attend Christmas and birthday parties with a smile on my face and act like nothing is wrong. Because all I want to do is grieve for all those affected by this child massacre. I want to stay inside my house and snuggle my kid all day and cry and pray for those who no longer have their little boy or girl to hold.

I can't watch the news anymore because the focus is on the evil that caused this. Who he was, what his story was, what mental illness he had, how he got those guns. I know his name. The world now knows his name, as I'm sure he wanted us to. But do we even know one of the names of his hopeless victims?

I can't talk or listen to people anymore because it's been turned into a political war against guns and other issues. I hear the vehement protests for and against every issue involved here. There is a new war against guns and for guns. For God and against God. For heightened school security. For greater awareness and research of mental illness. I understand both sides of each argument, because I know each protest and argument comes from a place of love and protection. But I think if never before, now is the time to admit that the problems our world has are very, very complicated and multi-faceted and desperate. And I don't know what the solution is yet. I just know that during this time, as the holiday is approaching, I want to be near my son and husband more than ever, to hold them and squeeze them tight and feel the blessing of them in my life.

I went to church this morning in hopes that the service would somehow make me feel better. That it would help me understand and bring my heart whole again. But it didn't. I couldn't stand there and sing "Hark the Herald" and praise God and laugh at the pastor's jokes. I wanted to grieve. I realized today that I can't find solace in the news, on my news feed, in talking to other people, or at church, and unfortunately I live too far away to attend one of the memorial services in Newtown. But I can and will do what feels right for me to do. I will continue to pray, I will continue to grieve, and I can and will hold my own vigil. Starting tonight and for 10 minutes every night, for 26 nights for each any every single one of the victims of Friday's shootings. Dedicated solely to them and their parents and their families. I will light a candle, I will find a quiet, dark place and for 10 minutes I will pray for their lost life and that God be with their families in this heavy time of sorrow.

Below are the names of all of the victims I will be praying for for the next 26 nights. I am starting tonight with Victoria Soto. She hid her first graders in the cabinets and closets after hearing the gunfire. When the shooter came into her classroom, she told them that her students were in the gym. He then gunned her down and moved on. She saved the lives of all those children and I know there is a special spot in heaven for her, and I know she will continue to be an example to everyone who hears her story.

We are living in a very dark world but my candle reminds me that darkness cannot extinguish even the tiniest flame, and that the darkness will only make their light brighter.

- Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female
- Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male
- Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female.
- Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female
- Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female
- Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female
- Dylan Hockley, 3/8/06, male
- Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female
- Madeleine F. Hsu, 7/10/06, female
- Catherine V. Hubbard, 6/08/06, female
- Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male
- Jesse Lewis, 6/30/06, male
- James Mattioli , 3/22/06, male
- Grace McDonnell, 12/04/05, female
- Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female
- Emilie Parker, 5/12/06, female
- Jack Pinto, 5/06/06, male
- Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male
- Caroline Previdi, 9/07/06, female
- Jessica Rekos, 5/10/06, female
- Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female
- Lauren Rousseau, 6/1982, female (full date of birth not specified)
- Mary Sherlach, 2/11/56, female
- Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female
- Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male
- Allison N. Wyatt, 7/03/06, female

During the Vietnam war there was a man who stood outside the White House every night holding a single candle. After several weeks, the news discovered him and a reporter came and said something like, “Sir. Do you really think that standing here with this candle is going to change the world’s mind?” And the man looked at him and said, “I don’t stand here with my candle to change the world. I stand here to keep the world from changing me.”

Praying for peace for people everywhere. That people may find comfort, and know that God is close to the brokenhearted. Psalm 34:18

Monday, December 10, 2012

Family Photo Warriors

We got our first family photos taken last September and decided afterwards that every year we should take updated family pics. Now after only 2 family photo sessions I seriously feel like we are family photo warriors. Last September it was raining but we plugged through the rain and wind with smiles on our faces and when the final pics came back you couldn't even tell. (amiright?) & this year was even worse....I was battling a nasty cold and sinus infection, and Landon was mid-nap when our photographer arrived and came down with a 103.6 temp later that day. At least I could put on some make up, drink down a skinny vanilla soy latte with 4 shots of espresso (I should probably do that every morning) and pull it together. But poor Landon couldn't. He was sick, tired, and not having any of it, for the entire hour she was here. l was sure that we weren't going to get a single good shot in for our Christmas card this year and I came to terms with the fact that we just weren't going to send out cards this year or have any updated family photos to frame. & then my little USB port came back in the mail and I saw this beaut amongst the other dozens of Landon's crying, pouting, tired little face.

I rarely get to be in front of the camera, in a shot that is further out than arm's length. But I think it is so important to capture "mom" in the picture every now & then so my kids have something to look back at years from now to know I was there and what I looked like back then. That's why our family pictures always make me so happy. Because I have something that immortalizes these times in our lives... when Landon was a squirmy, clingy, little daddy's boy, when we lived in our first house in the suburbs & braved family pictures with a screaming, kicking, pouting toddler, when I was a sick, exhausted mom of a 2.5 year old & Chris was doing more than his fair share to keep it all together. This is our life right now. It's not always glamorous but when I look back at our pictures I might think it was. We look happy. We are happy. And now I have these pictures to remember this time forever.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

bits of holidays + such

wrapping Christmas presents :)
 December 1st and look who is out to play...Ernie the Elf on the Shelf, Texting and driving, up to no good, per usual.
porch decor
^ obsessed.
super Chance
Out for the count.
 Our First Thanksgiving

the Bauman boys putting up the lights, while I watch and take pictures
Family Christmas photo day = huge fail. Trying to make up for it with some selfies. But someone's missing :/

Saturday, December 1, 2012

it's not always easy, but it's all so very, very worth it.

Before I had Landon, before I ever met Chris and dimly even thought about getting pregnant myself, I would see mothers with their children out and about in shopping malls, grocery stores, parking lots, locker rooms, you name it, and I would catch their conversations and interactions and think to myself, 'god, that mother can't even control her own kid,' or I've thought, 'that woman is acting like she is below the age of her child,' and, 'I will never react that way and say those things to my child when I am a mother'. Truly, I said and promised myself these things.

When yesterday, I found myself crossing the street with Landon when he decided to let go of my hand, throw himself on the concrete, and kick and scream like I've never seen him before. I put my hand up to the driver waiting for us to cross to motion 'STOP' and 'thank you' and pled with him to get up and walk. My hands were full with his water, lunch box, and new Razor scooter I was now carrying because he decided he didn't want to scoot to the park anymore, he wanted to walk. After a few failed attempts to reason with or try to excite my toddler to cross the street, I scooped him up in one arm, scooter, water, and lunch in the other. Only he is wearing his new Timberland boots, and only he just learned how to kick. Hard. He lashes out at me so hard my entire right leg and arm give way and he falls to the ground, along with the scooter, water, and lunch spilling out all around us. I motion to the driver once more, this time a 'SORRY!' and realize there are now three more cars behind him. I pick up all his his snacks and scooter with one hand and some some sort of instinctual mom ninja move with the other, which consists of a quick arm around his middle, carrying him sideways while he screams and cries, legs and boots lashing out into the thin air behind us. I am sick, my muscles hurt, I am tired and sweating, and I have fresh snot streaming down my own face from an awful sinus infection with no free arm to wipe it away. But we make it across the street. And the driver's are shaking their heads in frustration and disdain as they pass and turn by us. True story, and I'm embarrassed.

But any mother, even the most loving, kind-hearted, patient, and Mother Teresa of all mothers will tell you: motherhood is hard work. Some days, are just hard. Motherhood is really not for the weak. It is not for the tired. And it is certainly not for the lazy.

Your child will hit, kick, slap, and bite you. They will poke you deep in your eyeball because they think it's funny. They will throw a golf ball square at your mouth from a foot away because they don't understand. They will backslap you across the face in the middle of the night just as you fell into a rare, coveted, deep sleep. They will step on and break your new lap top. They will scream at the top of their lungs at you in the middle of the street, in the middle of Macy's, in the middle of swimboree class, and of course when you're on an important phone call. That same child will keep you up all night, because they don't feel like sleeping in their new bed all alone, and because they have the fine luxury of taking naps during the day. And you will be waking up for the day no later than 3 hours from when they finally go back to bed, with a migraine and eye bags and going about your day when all of a sudden its past noon and you realize you forgot to brush your teeth, put on deodorant, and comb your hair. But if you're lucky, another mother will see you while you're frantically looking for your keys or cell phone, and give a kind, understanding smile and entertain your kid with funny faces while you simultaneously unload your grocery cart.

But even after all of that has occurred, and it's typical that the events described above will all happen within the same 24 hours - but that same day - you will hear your child call you "mau mau" for the first time. Your. heart. will. melt. Your darling baby will hold onto your legs as you let him to the ground and refuse to let go of you. He will see you the second you arrive to pick him up from childcare with the biggest, brightest, most excited eyes, and run to you and hug you. He will laugh hysterically at you when you jump out and scare him or when you do something quirky and think you're the most clever comedian in the whole world. He will look up at you with concerned eyes for encouragement or discipline when he's not sure if he should do something. He will give you a kiss. A big, fat, beautiful kiss right square on your lips. He will have you lay down on his bed, he will turn off his bedroom light, motion and say "shhhh" to you, put his blankie near your face, gently pat your head, and try to put you to sleep the exact way you do to him. And all this will make you forget all the crap they put you through earlier that day.

My little one is turning 2 and 1/2 this month. Our time together has truly flown by at the speed of light. I am amazed that we've all survived this long with no major hiccups because sometimes, it's been really, really hard. But that's exactly the thing - the hardest things in life are the most rewarding. No matter how bad it gets, and it does get bad, it is also amazing. Absolutely amazing. And at the end of every day, I am always, always grateful for my child. For who he is, for who he is growing up to be, and for who he makes me. I never knew how strong I could be. I didn't know the capacity I have for not giving up or taking the easy way out. I never knew my capacity for true, unconditional, self-sacrificial love and I never knew how big this feeling of love and protection could be. It is simply overwhelming and it is truly indescribable to be someone's mother and to feel those thousands of feelings every single minute of every single day.

And this love is enough to get us through the hard.

Thank you for everything you've given me. You are loved so very, very much. (Even when you're a little stinker).

"mau mau"

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