Thursday, June 20, 2013

3 Years.

Dearest Little Landon,

Today you turned 3 years old. It was exactly three years ago today that you came into our lives and within them you have changed and grown so much and turned more into a little boy I still can't believe I created. I honestly couldn't have dreamed up a better kid if I tried. You're truly the sweetest little kid ever, and I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm your mom ;) I love watching you explore and see new things for the first time, & I love watching your imagination and little thoughts run wild. Most of all, I love witnessing your happiness and seeing you light up with excitement over the most simple joys. You have given me a new perspective on life -- You've shown me how to slow down and how to appreciate every moment even when I’m exhausted and weary, you are there, smiling, full of joy, adventure, & excitement.

There are lots of things that I want to teach you, but every day I think you teach me much more than I could ever hope to show you. You're already experiencing something so beautiful for me to see, compassion. You have a natural response to other children when they are sad and upset, and I see the concern in your eyes and you bring them your toys and do things you think will make them happy. I know that no one taught you that, and that you are already learning to listen to God's little whispers, and I am so proud of you. When I think about what it is I want for you to learn as you grow up into a boy and into a young man, I think there's so many things I want to teach you, but I think that's partly the most important. I want you to always love God and trust in His plan for you. To pray and keep listening hard for His whispers. And to trust that feeling deep down in your heart, and to have it always direct your actions.

Today is not only your birthday, but it is the first day I'm sending you off to school. I know we're both excited, but it's a double edge sword for me. I think about Newtown and I have a crazy urge to want to protect you under my wings forever. I'm nervous about other kids being mean, exclusive, and bullying. And it breaks my heart to see other kids be mean to you for no reason, especially when your intentions are always so kind hearted. I'm worried that you don't yet know how to speak up for yourself in those situations and I can't be there to help you feel better. But I realize I can't hold onto you forever and the only way for you to grow and experience life is for me to let you.

I know sometimes I get anxious. I worry that we don’t have our own house yet, I worry that we don’t have enough money in the bank, and that I don't have any idea of what the future will bring. But I know what we do have is enough. We have each other, we have papa, and we will have a new baby brother or sister coming very soon too, and I know that there is more than enough love in this family to go around. Sometimes I still wonder how I’m going to be “enough” for you -- enough of a mother, enough of an example, enough of a care giver. I wonder how I can do this job by myself and then twice that job when baby brother or sister is born. But then I hear your little voice call out for me when you're in need, and feel your little arms wrap around my leg as if I am your safe haven, and I see the excitement in your eyes when you see me for the first time after I've been gone, and you run to me and hug me. And I realize, I’m already doing it. And I'm doing enough.

Another baby will be coming into our family in just a few short months, and we hope even another after that, but you will always be the one who changed me. The one that gave me the most important role that I have ever held in my life, the role of a mother. You will always be the person who gifted me this perspective and kindness and patience beyond anything I ever remotely had before.

I used to always yearn for adventure, no matter what I would always want more. I was never content, I wanted to have more, to see more, do more, experience more. I lived for the thrill and desired the extremes and the adrenaline rush of high highs. And I still do, and we will go and do some amazing things together and separately. But I’m no longer searching, because I realized the wild I always searched for is in you now. You are my wild. You have been, and are, my greatest adventure. I love you so much.

Your "mumma", always.

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