Welp.....WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!!!!!
So excited to finally announce on here! I feel like I have been a complete zombie or more accurately a sick, barely functioning zombie for 10 weeks and I am FINALLY through the toughest first trimester of my life. Coupled (tripled?) with the fact that we were mourning a death in our family and I caught a terrible, vicious virus (maybe bacterial infection but we will never know since I couldn't have taken antibiotics anyway) that lasted a whole month. It was very difficult to move from my couch for several weeks and any amount of doing anything requiring any small bit of energy or movement had me feeling like I was hit by a bus. But I'm finally over that virus and (think) I'm finally turning a corner with all the morning sickness.
So the story behind it all:
For a long time after Blair was born I really didn't think I could have any more kids. It saddened me, as I always wanted one more, but she took so much out of me and I really struggled with the transition from 1 to 2, as it was much, much more challenging than I expected it to be. We moved twice while Blair was a baby, which was stressful, and getting our first, new dream home was and is amazing, but required/s Chris to work more, leaving me home alone much more with both kids. Blair never took to a bottle and she was up nursing every 2-4 hours for almost a year and a half. So Chris could never really help with the nighttime feedings, and the lack of sleep for so long definitely took a toll on me.
But then between 16-18 months we weaned, and I finally got Blair sleeping through the night in her own crib, and the heavy fog I had been carrying around with me for a year and a half somehow just lifted. I spent the summer enjoying that new sense of freedom, of sleep and of being able to leave Blair with a babysitter, of having my body back and not having to nurse her every few hours. I got her on a nap schedule and had 2 hours every afternoon to relish in -- aka do laundry and emails and clean and cook -- (but seriously, all of which are actually enjoyable and deeply gratifying without a baby attached to your hip or nipple). Chris and I resurrected date nights and started seeping in the same bed again. I went to play dates, I hosted play dates, and I began leading a group of women at MOPS at my church every other Friday morning. But after a few months of enjoying that season, the coziness of fall and the holidays set in, and I felt I had the space now that I could fit in another child, and grow our family. I felt like I could do this again and I was ready! Well, in the sense that any of us are ever really ready for a new baby.
I found out I was pregnant mid-December, before I even missed my period and was completely, utterly, over the moon with thankfulness, excitement and happiness. I waited two whole entire days to tell Chris as I wanted to surprise him in a fun, creative way....which was awesome and I wish took a video of it. It was right before our 5 year anniversary and he made a big stink to me about how he reallllly didn't want me to spend any money on a gift, so I wrapped up the positive pregnancy tests inwrapping paper and a pretty bow and wrote him a super sappy poem. I'll spare you the whole thing, but the last line read:
"So for loving me so well for the past 5 years, I wanted to give you all the presents under the sun,
But I know that's not what you wanted so instead I promise to more joyfully and lovingly serve, You, Landon, & Blair, and our next little bun.
(In the oven). Now open your present :) "
He was in complete disbelief at first and then so, so thrilled. Landon knew the two days before him and was so excited we were finally spilling the beans, dancing and jumping around the kitchen singing, "We're having another baby!! We're having another baby!!"
I felt really great -- completely elated -- for about one-two weeks. And then it set in. The nausea, the vomiting, the dry-heaving, the tiredness that only a pregnant mother with multiple young children can understand. All.day, every.single.day. Mostly everything around me just smells horrible and makes me want to throw up....there are smells I never even remembered noticing before that now trigger such a strong visceral reaction it's unbelievable. But all my senses are so enhanced and there have been a few smells, touches, or tastes that have been equally amazing.....new clean flannel sheets on my bed, a heavenly-scented candle, or satisfying a deep craving with delicious, fresh, quality food.
Although mostly, it's really been a rough past 3 months. But at 12 weeks, I'm starting to lose some of the nausea and gaining a little more energy during the day, and I'm so hopeful for an energetic, healthy second and third trimester.
When I think beyond the pregnancy, about another baby and person in our lives, there are so many things I'm afraid of -- Will I actually be able to do this all over again? Will I have enough of me to go around? What will it be like trying to fit in naps while carting Landon and Blair off to all their activities? Will he/she be healthy? Will it be a new baby brother or sister? Will we have enough room in our house? What new challenges will a third child bring to our marriage, to our finances, to our friendships, to our family relationships? Will I be able to give this little one enough, & Landon and Blair everything that they need, when I already feel stretched thin?
But at the same time my mind is harassing me with all these fears and questions, there is something inside of me, it may be my hormones or it may be the Holy Spirit, but it tells me that of all the things I can't do and will never be or be able to do, that I can do this. I can be a mother as many times over as God graces me to be, and that same grace will carry me through the hard, through the sleepless nights and through the juggling demands and through the challenges it has already carried me through before.
I can do this. We're ready for you, baby Bauman #3. We're ready for the snuggles, the smells, the sounds, and the love, that is going to turn us completely inside out all over again.